Risk Verses Return…

I thought about a lot of things before I committed, even if only to myself, to formally writing in this space on a regular basis. 

For one thing, I thought about WHY I would do it:  What I hoped to gain or accomplish.

I also thought about what it might cost me. 

Before I could go ahead and really put myself “out there” I knew that I had to believe – truly believe – that the potential benefits of the “WHY” outweighed any foreseeable costs. 

I could talk for an awfully long time about how important the “WHY” is to me.  In fact, I probably have talked about that, at least to some degree, in every post I’ve published so far. 

The costs are something else entirely, though, and just as important a consideration.

When I say that, I don’t mean the monetary expense involved with owning this tiny piece of internet real estate.  Of course, I considered that.  (Especially since there is no “income” side to this little endeavor – and none planned.)  If forced, I could rationalize that I could spend a whole lot more money on way worse hobbies or habits.  If having my own place in which I can write whatever I want comes with a little price tag - so be it. 

I thought about other costs, too, though.  Ones that, quite frankly, felt much more potentially prohibitive than the little bit of money I put into this. 

I thought of the people it could cost me. 

While it’s always my intention – more so all the time, truthfully – to build a place where everyone can feel welcome, I know I’ll never please all the people, all the time. 

You know my commitment to keeping this place Real.  There is bound to be something about the Real things I say that someone does not or eventually will not like. 

I have probably already “lost” people who assume that I must really think I’m someone special because I put my name on a website - when I have never accomplished a thing that qualifies me as “a real writer” – and they just aren’t here for that.  (Please believe me:  It doesn’t shock me to know that anyone would think I’m not a “real writer”.  The person in the mirror tries to tell me that every chance she gets…)

Maybe some people think I have something to sell, so they’ve run the other way before they’ve ever even given this place a chance.  

I’m sure I talk about God too much.  Or not enough…

There are probably more ways than I can really even count that being fully Real and fully ME here could cost me people, and I promise that, at some point, I have probably tried to think of them all. 

I have tried to think very seriously about what it really means to put myself OUT THERE. 

This is not social media, where I have at least the illusion of control afforded by privacy settings and whatnot.  (I say “illusion” … well… because that’s what I mean.)

This is the WORLD.  WIDE.  WEB.    

I feel amazed, humbled, and quite honestly perplexed as I look at the analytics of this thing and see it viewed in thirteen countries. 

I would love to believe that those statistics mean that this has brought some slight bit of something positive to all those places around the world.  Realistically though, I know that there stands just as great a chance that someone with bad intentions has some sort of system that finds places like this, and therefore – people like me. 

I did think about that before I ever did this. 

I guess you already know that, in the end, I decided that my positive reasons for wanting to be here outweighed my fear of the things that could go wrong. 

I look back and see times in my life where I should have chosen courage over comfort.  I can’t change the past, but I can decide how I choose to live today. 

I proceeded.

…Employing caution as best I know how, while still staying true to my genuine intentions for this place…  

You know that tingling feeling you get when something feels not quite right?  You feel a little dizzy, and maybe your head rings a little?  All your senses feel heightened, yet you feel almost paralyzed? 

This past week, for the first time, this place triggered that feeling in me.    

I saw something I found suspicious. 

I reacted the best way I knew how.  After some investigation, I ended up deciding that all is well for now. 

After the fact, I admit that I probably even overreacted - just a bit.  I forgive myself for that.  I choose to think of the experience as a good “fire drill”.  Am I careful enough?  What do I do first when something seems amiss?

I also must admit that, during the uneasy moments when I didn’t know if I was experiencing a drill or the real thing, a thought crossed my mind:

“Should I even be doing this in the first place? Is it worth it?”    

I did have that thought, and in my heart, I think I knew the answer…

I didn’t want to alarm anyone else unnecessarily, but I do know that God’s word tells us (way more than once) that we should seek wisdom and guidance - and willingly receive it when we need to.    

It just so happened that, as this all unfolded, I had in progress a conversation with someone incredibly wise; incidentally, also someone I know I can count as one of my very few “ride-or-dies” in this life.  I know she loves me and wants the best for me.  Also, that she has more than her fair share of experience in taking care of herself in this big world. 

I explained to her what had happened.  She immediately understood and shared my concern.  Then she said this:

“Your blog is so uplifting, and I truly believe that God has His hands on you with this.  It’s not overly religious, but there’s enough that God can use your words and the things you do add in to plant seeds for people who may not know Him.  I also believe that Satan doesn’t like that, so he’ll try everything to deter you.  I expect you’ll see several obstacles hurled your way throughout this.  Don’t let him disguise his evil as danger.  Be cautious and use your best judgement, but don’t let him hinder God’s work through you.  Draw closer to God and let Him continue to guide you.” 

At that moment, she might as well have had an address inside my actual head, because the words she said completely echoed the ones running through my heart. 

I’ve heard it said that the place where our talent intersects with a need in the world is exactly the place where God wants us to be.

I don’t know if I have any talent at all. 

I do know that I love to write. 

I am not an expert in anything.  Except my own story. 

I do know that the process of the work I continually do on myself looks more and more all the time like it could become a major chapter in that story. 

I intentionally learn something new almost every day.  When I feel the impact that doing so has on me – helping me in ways I didn’t even realize I needed - I want to share it with everyone. 

I enjoy the process of writing it down. 

I have the platform to share it with anyone – anywhere in the world - inclined to receive it. 

Who else might it help?  Even if only one other person, then how dare I not share?    

That’s why, in my soul, even in a slightly panicked moment of considering the possible costs, I knew all along:  I cannot stop doing this.    

And… I don’t know… there is something different about finding a thing that you just need to do.  Even when the world can show you some seemingly very logical reasons it might not be “worth it”. 

I believe - for sure - that every single one of us has a gift:  A way that we can use something we love to do to make a difference in the world - in a unique way that only we can. 

I find that, the more in tune I get with trying to understand if this is my gift, the more excited it makes me to get out of bed in the morning. 

I also believe there are absolutely costs involved with discovering what God has for us - and deciding to let that shine for others to see. 

I think my wise ride-or-die was correct when she said that the evil in this world will always try to discourage us from shining God’s light, especially when we do it in a way that many others can see.  …But He’s in that with us, so we don’t need to be afraid. 

I’m grateful for the experience I had this past week.  Of course, I’m grateful it was just a drill.  But I’m also grateful that it made me think in a real-life way about how every good thing comes with a cost. 

There is probably far more “security” in obscurity, and I know it.

But I think this is worth the risk.

Actually, I think it feels like the very safest – and ultimately highest yielding – investment I could ever make. 

(One last thing: Maybe when you clicked on the title of this piece, you thought I had used the wrong version of “versus”.  I hope it all makes sense now.  I used exactly the version I meant to use.)