The Words I Would Say
I share this story with the hope that it might serve as three things:
An encouragement.
A promise.
And fair warning.
An encouragement that when life makes you question where you’re heading, to keep asking God to lead you to where He wants you to go.
A promise that He does hear you, and that in His perfect timing, He will move – and always for good.
And fair warning that when you wholeheartedly ask for that, you’ll probably want to buckle up… Because when God moves, He just might lead you to places you never imagined for yourself!
The problem is, at least for me, it’s rarely quite that simple. I don’t usually ask God to show me something, and in return get an immediate, clear answer.
God’s not Google.
Often, I most clearly see His answers in hindsight: When I recognize the things from which He’s saved me (at least the ones I know about), or the ultimately very good things He’s given me despite my stubborn resistance when I couldn’t see the whole picture.
Since that’s the way it usually happens for me, it took me by stunned surprise when He recently answered me in a much more immediate, unmistakably clear way. One easier to understand than anything Google could hope to offer on its very best day…
In Learning to be Me, I told you a little about how 2023 initially seemed determined to take me out.
My life had begun to feel like a real-life game of Whack-a-Mole: Just when I’d think I’d smacked one problem down, another would pop up somewhere unexpected. Some were really big problems.
So much felt completely out of control, and eventually, I remembered: That’s because it is. At least out of my control.
Funny how sometimes it takes pure desperation to remind me that everything is ALWAYS in God's control. Surrendering to that realization can feel liberating and terrifying all at once. Liberating when I remember that I really can just lay it all down - because it’s just not up to me to figure out. Terrifying, because surrender is scary when you really can’t see what’s next.
That’s where I was one morning a few months ago. I’d discovered some serious blind spots in “my way” of trying to do things, and I knew I just had to lay it all down. As messed up as things felt, I wondered if I’d been doing anything right, or even praying the right things.
Here I was, really trying to use the second half of my life to make a difference in this world, yet I couldn’t even seem to make a difference in my own life. I didn’t know what to pray anymore.
I’ve learned to believe something really true and really important about God, though. He isn’t concerned with perfect words, and He doesn’t care how messed up we are. He just wants us to turn to Him. EXACTLY as we are. Because He knows exactly what we need better than we do, even before we ask. He just wants our hearts. And He hears them – however we can offer them.
So, that morning, I offered mine the only way I knew just then: I put on my Spotify “This is Lauren Daigle” playlist and took off on a walk. I don’t know how that beautiful girl’s songs always seem to say exactly what I mean to, but they do. So that morning, I just walked and allowed them to.
I also silently told God I knew that He knew everything that felt wrong in my world.
That I believed in His plan, and that it’s always better than mine.
I told Him that if I had it all wrong, I would just lay it all down.
I asked Him to show me the next step He had for me.
I promised I’d obey and take it.
I came home from that walk and moved on with my day. I’d just stepped out of the shower when my phone chimed with a text. Was I at home, and if so, did I have a minute? I was, and I’d make one. Turns out, the sender wasn’t far away, and would stop by shortly. I threw on some clothes and headed downstairs, several logically possible reasons for this impromptu visit running through my mind.
But the real reason? I had never imagined that.
Was I familiar with what a baccalaureate ceremony was? Yes. We hadn’t had them back when I was in high school, but the Christian school my kids attended did. I’d seen in recent years that a growing local church had begun working with our public school to bring back this optional faith-based component of graduation for interested students. With that question, and with graduation season approaching, I next anticipated the invitation to make a business donation or somehow otherwise contribute to this year’s event.
And a few seconds later, I did receive an invitation. But not that kind…
With tears beginning to stream down her cheeks, my visitor said,
“We’d like you to speak…”
I’m pretty sure I looked over each shoulder to see who was standing behind me, because she couldn’t have meant me!?
Why would she mean me?
What in the world did I have to offer? Less than an hour ago, I’d surrendered to God because I had everything wrong!
But she did mean me.
She went on to explain the reason for her tears: By coming to ask me, she was following what she felt God had meant for her to do. My name had landed on her heart as just the right person at just the right time because of something I’d written earlier that week. Interestingly, the only thing I’d managed to write in quite a while.
In fact, that was one of the several ways in which I’d felt myself failing; one more reason to question whether I was even headed in the right direction at all. I love to write and had begun believing maybe it was my way to help others. But you can’t draw water from a dry well, and mine was definitely running lower than ever…
Yet here she was, because of what I had managed to offer.
What a reminder that when I trust God with my story, He can and will use anything to lead me to where He wants me to go.
Less than an hour earlier, I’d done just that. Surrendered it all and promised that if He’d show me His next step for me, I’d obey and take it…
I wanted to thank her for thinking of me and then politely (but definitely) decline.
But because – and only because – I’d just had that conversation with Him, I heard myself say:
“Oh, my. Well, OK, then. I can’t say no…”
I had no clue what I possibly had to offer young hearts just setting off to find their way in life and this world.
But I have learned, am learning, to trust that if God calls me to something, He’ll give me everything I need to accomplish His purpose. That if I rely on Him and offer what little I might have, He can turn it into enough…
I still felt totally unqualified (and more than a little terrified!), but I had that belief - and just over two-months’ notice - to help me prepare to take this giant step out of my comfort zone.
Over the next weeks, I did a whole of thinking, and much more walking, listening, and praying. I lost some sleep. I wrote many words, and recorded many, too, via iPhone voice memo. I deleted almost as many – on one particularly frustrating day, without actually meaning to…
Eventually, though, all my thoughts funneled down to the one thing I realized I could offer.
As the time drew nearer, I felt absolutely confident in the message, albeit significantly less so in the messenger…
I kept reminding God that I trusted Him to have me say what He meant for me to say.
Along the way, I drew comfort and encouragement:
From the handful of people in my life who knew I’d been asked to do this, and believed I could.
From the seemingly random, yet timely, things that crossed my path at just the right times. Like the message printed inside the shipping box of the stickers my daughter helped me design and order as part of my gift to the graduates. It said: “It always seems impossible until it’s done.”
And especially from God’s word, as I noticed more than ever how He’s always used the most unqualified people to help accomplish His purpose. All the way down to the morning of the event, when during my normal Bible study, Amos 7:14-15 appeared. One last story to remind me… about another random guy… plucked from a field full of sheep to go and deliver an important message.
I had to smile, because I heard Him loud and clear.
And I was ready to go…