For Such a Time as This
Unless you’re one of a few dozen people, it might feel like it’s been a while since you’ve heard much from me.
Actually, I wasn’t even really sure I should make a point of checking in now.
Mostly because for much of the past year, I’ve been learning how to put my heart and soul into work that I have no way of knowing for sure matters, or will ever matter, to anyone but me… and to have peace with doing it anyway. In relative obscurity. A huge part of that process has been learning to discern which parts of it I’m meant to pass on and share with others, and which parts are strictly for what it’s meant to accomplish in me… At least for now.
It’s not an experience I ever imagined for myself, or even an opportunity I saw coming. But it’s here. And as it turns out, it’s also some of the most meaningful work I’ve ever gotten to do.
But speaking of “the past year”, that’s the main reason it occurred to me to consider writing something that might reach more than the aforementioned few dozen people now.
Because for me, as of today, another year has officially passed.
I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but I realize that somewhere along the way, I’ve come to consider my birthday a “New Year’s Day” every bit as much as I do January 1. And with 52 of them now under my belt, I am grateful to feel that way about them. I very likely have more years behind me than I still have ahead, so I’m glad a birthday prompts me to focus not on how much has passed, but instead on what’s still to come…
But it would be unwise not to think at all about what’s already passed… because that’s the stuff that has made me exactly who I am, as I am, right this moment… today. So, I feel like my birthday… the end of one year and the beginning of a brand new one… is the perfect time to decide what parts of that I want to bring with me into what comes next.
Because writing things down is kind of what I do, it felt important to do that with these thoughts. And since I have, I’ve decided that maybe I should go ahead and share them. Just in case something here might help someone else…
In the 365-days since I last blew out some candles, so much has happened that I want to bring with me! And I can’t help thinking about how, because all of it happened, most of what I can remember having “planned” at this time last year… didn’t.
Interestingly, I’m not even sure I still want some of what I thought I wanted a year ago. That truth has helped teach me so much about the ability and willingness to change my mind. And about how that is actually a strength.
I don’t have to want everything I wanted, or even think everything I thought, a year ago. In fact, some of the very best things that have happened – to me, for me, and in me – could never have happened if I hadn’t been able and willing to change my mind!
That’s taught me something else:
When one thing doesn’t happen, it always makes something else possible.
Actually, the way that generally went for me this past year was that the “something else’s” happened first, and pretty much crowded out what I thought were my plans. In every case, it involved unexpected circumstances and chains of events. Ones I never could have imagined or planned. Looking back now I can see that the most memorable, most meaningful, and most impactful things that happened all took me by complete surprise.
Not carrying out my plans really did not feel like “sacrificing” anything. It felt more like putting something down so that I could pick up something better.
I learned a lot about saying “Yes.” and “Why not?” Even to things I didn’t have a clue how to do. Even when I had no idea how they’d go. Even when I felt like I hadn’t earned or didn’t deserve certain chances quite yet.
I also learned to start thinking, “If not now, when?”
Two nights ago, after days and weeks of scratching down my random thoughts and observations regarding this occasion, I still didn’t know if any of it would ever see the light of day in the form of what you’re reading right now. That’s when my brother sent us some photos of something he’s planned, dreamt of, worked, and waited a long time for. When I replied, I told him how very well I remember just how long it’s been in the making; how I know it’s something he always wanted “someday.” Without even thinking, I also said, “Someday is now.”
…Then I realized how much that statement summarizes something else I’ve felt so often this past year: Every day really is “someday” to some past day. It always does me good to think back and remember, with gratitude, to when I wanted what I currently have… And especially to notice the ways in which God has given me so much more than I ever asked or imagined…
Time so often has the uncanny ability to simultaneously feel like it’s stood still and yet also flown. In many ways, I feel like I just had a birthday. Yet in even more others, I can hardly believe how much has happened and changed in my life since then… only one year ago.
It hasn’t all been easy or even straightforward. There have been some pretty tough days and weeks. And since I’m always really honest in what I share with you, it’s important to point out that there are still… right this very moment… some really uncertain things. Outcomes I don’t know. Corners around which I still most definitely cannot see.
But the most important thing I want to take with me from this past year is something I actually heard myself repeating a lot:
God has never failed me. He’s brought me through 100% of the hard, uncertain things He’s brought me to.
And I wouldn’t change a thing about where He has me now. Even if I never expected… lots of times certainly never would have chosen… some of the ways He’s done it. He’s never let me down. So why should I expect Him to start now? I don’t.
Speaking of those things I wouldn’t have chosen… That’s something else I’ve learned to think a whole lot more about this past year. I can see now how much those very things – the struggles and challenges - circumstances I really didn’t like at the time – have mattered in equipping me for now.
It’s led to yet another unexpected thing: Especially in that relatively obscure work I’ve mentioned, I seem to have accidentally developed “theme”: “The Story Behind the Story.” Because there always is one.
There is and always has been so much more to me, and to every single one of us, than meets the eye. I’ve learned that, most often, the unseen parts of our stories play the biggest role in making us who we become. It’s not lost on me that, by the standard of our world today, I’ve probably lived one of the least “visible” years I have in a long, long time. Yet also, one of the most meaningful ever.
I want to take what I’ve learned from that experience with me, too. And to remind others that, although certainly countercultural, it is possible – and that actually, I highly recommend it!
In a service at my church this past New Year’s Eve (the regular New Year - not the one I consider my birthday!), Jon Acuff said, “Being present is just learning to be nostalgic about the moment you’re still in.” That’s stuck with me ever since, because that’s exactly how I want to live my life, and it doesn’t always come naturally for me. I can often find myself rethinking and overthinking what has already happened, or thinking about what lies ahead - whether because I’m worried about it or longing for it. Every one of those things takes my attention away from “right now” - the moment I’m still in. I’ve grown in awareness of that this past year, too.
“Right now” is always the “someday” to some other day gone by… and also the “once upon a time” to some future day.
Intentionally remembering that has really helped me. Especially when I keep in mind God’s faithfulness in my life so far. He’s done so much that I never expected or deserved. I’m working on letting go of the need to try to look too far down the road; to figure out how one thing might lead to another, and instead just focus on doing the best I can with whatever He’s given me to do. To remember that wherever He has me is where He has me. Then trusting Him to do with it… and with me… what He will. I can never know when the moment I’m in just might be exactly the one He made me for.
At 52, I can honestly say that I don’t feel even a little bit like my best days are behind me. In so many of the ways that matter most, I’m not even the same person who lived the first part of my life. I get to live this next part knowing so much more than she knew, and I get to keep on learning more than I know today. That makes me truly feel like my best days are here… and that I have every reason to believe in more to come.
I really don’t feel like I’ve come this far to only come this far.
I’d love it if knowing that could help change the way someone else thinks about the idea of getting older. Rather than dread it, fight it, or try to hide it, I choose to embrace it. And that brings about a kind of peace and freedom I never could have known until now.
It's taken me 52-years to come this far, and there is so much “Story Behind the Story” … both of the past year, and of my life. When I think about my hopes for this new year, writing to tell more of it… all I’ve learned from it… about myself and especially about God… ranks high on my list.
But I guess I’ll just have to wait and see if He has something else on His list for me instead.
If He does, I want to be ready to say, “Yes. Why not?”
Because, who knows? What if He’s made me… what if everything so far has been Him refining and preparing me…